Crying High

A new survey shows that people don't want to sit next to babies on planes. In other news, the sky is blue. Sam Bowring babbles on.

So most people know that babies are annoying - that's no big scoop. They burp, spew, smell, and they cry for hours for no apparent reason. Who hasn't seen a desperate mother trying to quiet her sobbing offspring, pleading, "what do you want? A changed nappy, food, sleep, to check your email, FOR GOD'S SAKES WHAT?" You'd be forgiven for thinking it must be very hard to be a baby, when in actuality it's about as easy as it ever gets. Ungrateful little clones.

We have all, of course, been babies ourselves at some point or another. And I'm honestly surprised that, somewhere back down the evolutionary trail, we weren't all wiped out by saber tooth tigers - being essentially helpless meat blobs whose one defence mechanism is to loudly and constantly announce our presence, like a traumatised dinner bell.

Normally babies are easy to get away from. They can't run, and they can't hail taxis. Unfortunately in some life scenarios, you'll find yourself trapped with someone else's squawking, squealing siren spawn, who to the parent is a Bundle of Joy, but to you is an Express Post Envelope of Hate. Public transport for example, or in a movie theatre, or on an aeroplane. Most of you would know the irritation that comes from a long haul flight stuck near some caterwauling descendant, leading you to hope that, somehow, there are saber tooth tigers lurking behind the drinks trolley.

Accordingly, a new survey has found, a majority of Australian flyers would prefer it if babies on planes were kept in a separate area. That's right – first class, business, economy and breeder. Baby possessing segregated as other socially unacceptable habits once were, like smoking. Unlike a smoker, however, there is no reasoning with a baby, who doesn't even appreciate the fact it is flying for free.

Although it sounds great on paper, like communism, I do have concerns about a baby-section (a better alternative would be a va-section-y). I wonder if babies crying is like dogs barking? If one starts, do the others join in? Do they cry in response to crying, more vicious a circle than pac man? I don't care where you're sitting on the plane, if they all join in as one horrible chorus group, you'll be able to hear them. And also, doesn't that kind of high pitched whining interfere with the plane's guidance systems? Plus, imagine being a steward assigned to that section of the plan. You might have thought you were past the point of ears hurting when you fly, but wow does fate have a surprise for you.

That said, if it can be made to work, I’m all for it.

There is a small percentage of the survey which thinks that "parents should be treated like equals". Well of course they should! And I tell you this, if someone who I consider to be my equal is bugging the shit out of me, I have no worries at all telling them to F**K OFF.

- Sam Bowring