Paging Dr 90210

Terri Psiakis suspects she probably needs a lobotomy. Stat.

Usually, I can’t stand watching TV shows that contain medical procedures. Blood turns my stomach and the very thought of watching someone slicing into someone else makes me gag. But there’s a very good reason to watch reality TV show Dr 90210 on Foxtel – it’s just so hilariously wrong.

Fancy a plastic surgeon named Dr Alter? Then this show is for you. But Dr Alter isn’t your run-of-the-mill plastic surgeon: he specializes in genital reconstruction. I had no idea how many nether-regional discrepancies existed until Dr Alter let me in on them. My new favourite phrase? Testicular misfortune. Drop that into your next dinner party conversation. I dare you.

But it’s not just congenital genitals that Dr Alter alters. The residents of Beverly Hills, where the show is set, must spend a huge part of their lives discussing pants-off fashion because that’s the only way I can explain the great number of them who consult Dr Alter purely because they want to make down there “prettier.” I’m not a fan of cosmetic plastic surgery myself but I would have thought you’d fix your face before you fancied-up your flange. Not these guys. And girls – lots of girls. Clearly, there are women in Beverly Hills with too much time and too many hand-held mirrors.

Dr Alter’s partner in augmentation crime is Dr Rey, the Brazilian-born plastic surgeon the show revolves around. In addition to performing plastic surgery, Dr Rey enjoys wearing the shiniest suits I’ve ever seen and whistling to get his wife’s attention. Dr Rey also enjoys martial arts and wearing muscle-top scrubs during surgery that I’m sure he has customized to show off his upper arm muscles. Dr Rey is a surgical tool. And I’m not talking about a scalpel.

I don’t know how plastic surgeons are meant to behave because I’ve never allowed one to stick a knife into my face but if you ask me, Dr Rey’s bedside manner leaves much to be desired. He’s very good at hugging his attractive female patients and seems exceptionally enthusiastic when it comes to examining breast surgery patients. Although he’s not alone there: in one episode, Dr Rey enlarges the already voluptuous breasts of a 18-year-old girl whose parents are both present at the “unveiling” and let’s just say her dad doesn’t hold back when it comes to checking out the new merchandise. Disturbing? Yes. Hilarious? Absolutely. Maybe there’s something wrong with me for finding this stuff funny. But – god help me – I certainly do.

Dr 90210 follows the initial doctor-patient consultations through to the surgeries and subsequent medical follow-ups and frankly, I’m hooked. Not even the sight of blood or bad suits can stop me enjoying the chuckles there are to be had in changing your bits and pieces 90210-style.

- Terri Psiakis