Next show please, I beg you

Terri Psiakis delves deeper into the televisual depravity that is American dating shows and finds a mecca for morons.

In the proud tradition of MTV dating shows comes NEXT, a program created for idiots and presumably by idiots. And when I say proud, what I actually mean is relentlessly superficial and stupid.

NEXT works like this: four young desperates sit on the NEXT bus and try not to lick its blacked-out windows. One by one they go on a date with a guy/girl and for every minute the date lasts, they earn a dollar. The guy/girl can end the date with the young desperate and move on to the next one by saying “Next” or if they date goes well, they give the young desperate the choice between taking the cash, or going on another date. Footage from the dates is interspersed with footage from the bus showing the rejected/waiting desperates bitching and/or making out with each other, and I’m not joking. Bisexuals and homosexuals appear to be highly sought after on NEXT, probably due to the fact that they provide far more interesting bus footage.

In one of only two episodes that I could stomach, the guy with the power to “Next” someone was named Dhakota and he described himself thus: “Girls like that I’m artistic and sensitive but have the body of a meat-head.” Brandel, one of the girls vying for Dhakota’s affection, says “Nothing gets in my way except my big boobs.” Dhakota “Nexts” Brandel on sight, without even giving her the chance to greet him. Back on the bus when the girls ask Brandel if she thought Dhakota was attractive, Brandel replies: “I’m sure he’s considered hot in his Ewok village.” They’re bitchy, they’re vacuous and god only knows who’s coming up with their names.

Every time a young desperate disembarks the NEXT bus to begin a date, they’re freeze-framed, and a mini-resume of their work/life/dating history flashes up on screen. It’s these little descriptions that are often the only highlight of the show. In the other episode I watched amid bouts of nausea, young desperate Trey was described as being “traumatized when an old lady died while he was giving her a perm.” This priceless information publicized, Trey then commenced his date with flight instructor Carlito. Their date consisted solely of washing Carlito’s light plane. Two outrageously flirtatious men, an aeroplane and yet not one single joke about a cockpit. How many more reasons do you need to dislike this show?