Richard Branson: Space Cadet

Father of the skies, Sir Richard Branson, straps in for a rough ride with Devon Quince.

Now, I'm all for thrill seeking. Believe me, when you drink your scotch straight, every mouthful's an adventure. But when I heard that Richard Branson had unveiled a special aircraft called 'White Knight Two' that will take passengers up to space (almost), then bring them back down again, I thought it sounded a bit over the top.

DEVON QUINCE: So Richard, why the need to send people 'almost' into space?

RICHARD BRANSON: The need?

DQ: Yes.

RB: Hmm. 'Need'. I haven't heard this word 'need' used in such a context before.

DQ: Okay, let me put it another way – what is the point of sending people ever so briefly into the atmosphere? What useful function does it serve?

RB: I'm really not following you here chief.

DQ: [angrily] Is your space program anything more than a glorified roller coaster? Goodness man, your cut-price air carts already clog up the airways with every peasant and his mother, and now this! I tell you, they don't make a shoe size big enough to fit your carbon footprint.

RB: Seeing the earth from space will be useful for scientists and… space-studying type guys.

DQ: Ah, finally. I should've just asked for 'the official line' and gotten it done with. And what precisely will these so-called scientists learn from the experience that they couldn't learn from Google Earth?

RB: Why, they'll be able to see the Earth from above. With their eyes.

DQ: [sighs] Let's try something else. So, the craft itself you've named 'White Knight Two'. Kind of ominous don't you think? What happened to 'White Knight One'?

RB: Well…

DQ: Blow up on the launch pad?

RB: It's because it looks like two planes stuck together.

DQ: Oh, sure, that's believable.

RB: Seriously. Look, I have a picture.

DQ: Well that doesn't prove anything. If I had a picture of the boogie monster, would that make it real?

RB: You have a picture of the boogie monster? That'd be worth millions.

DQ: Maybe to a children's book publisher. Christ, I should have known from that insane grin you wear constantly – you're balmy aren't you?

RB: [grinning broadly] To infinity and beyond!

Devon Quince began to edge out of the room at this point, vaguely worried he might catch some kind of space virus.