An alcopop-holic's cry for help

Dear Chantal,

I'm assuming from your use of the term 'smuggle' that you're under the legal drinking age decreed by the law-makers of this country, in order to restrict the access of minors to alcoholic beverages, thereby protecting their safety and maintaining public order. In which case, good on you darl – by the sounds of it you're a filthy little rebel and therefore a girl right after my own heart.

Alcopops are definitely easy to smuggle, aren't they? I once smuggled a six-pack of Breezers out of the house in my bra. I was on my way to my own birthday party and seeing as I wasn't yet able to actually fill out a bra, that’s where I hid my drinks. And yes, I did have fun at my 30th.

Larger bottles do pose a smuggling problem but seeing as you're a lady-girl, Chantal, you have a smuggling advantage. Why not stuff a pillow under the front of your top and tuck a couple of bottles in there as well? The pillow will both cushion the big bottles and stop them from clinking and the whole effect will lead people to think you're pregnant, not underage drinking. And people are way more tolerant of teenage pregnancies than they are of teenage drinking.

Your other option is to bugger consumerism altogether and make your own alcohol. Try knocking something together with fermented potatoes and lighter fluid. And try making it potent enough that you only need a thimble-full to get yourself completely rat-arsed. Then you'll have no problem smuggling it anywhere, although you might have a hard time explaining why the hell you’re carrying around a thimble. Enjoy.