When things go belly-up

RoveDaily’s etiquette expert, Terri Psiakis, accepts an invitation to advise on the rumblings down below.

Dear Terri,

What are the rules when you have been invited to a friend’s house for dinner on Friday but in the days leading up to Friday you get hit with a bout of gastro? Do you cancel the dinner so you don’t pass it on to your friends or do you just not tell your friends that you’re ill?

Gastro Guest, West Pennant Hills, NSW

Dear Gastro Guest,

Ah, gastro. I could discuss it for hours, with its delicate nuances and the intricacies of all its ins and outs. Literally. But I really sympathise with you, because being hit with a bout of gastro is worse than being hit by a ton of bricks. Although bricks are considerably more pleasant to clean up.

Here’s the thing: regardless of whether or not you actually tell your friends that you’ve got gastro, it’ll be impossible for them to not know you’re ill. When you’re constantly going to and from the loo they’ll know something’s wrong with either your bladder or your poop chute, and no amount of telling them you’ve just “drunk a lot of water today” will convince them otherwise. At some point, someone will say “Ugh! Why can I smell air freshener?” moments after you’ve returned to the table. Then someone will advise your host there’s no toilet paper left and your host will say “That’s weird, I put a whole pack in there this morning.” And when you finally crack and ask your host if they can serve your dessert to you in the bathroom, the jig will be well and truly up.

So going along to the dinner without saying anything about your rambunctious sphincter is pointless. If you’re really worried about making your friends sick, advise your host that you’re being held hostage by your bowel and will not be able to attend their dinner. But you should also consider not being so uptight about your ailment. There are people out there who’d kill for gastro because it’s a guaranteed couple of days off work. Consider doing a short survey by texting your friends to find out if anyone’s interested in being hit with the gastro stick and you could be the guest of honour in no time. Enjoy.

Do you have a pressing problem of your own? Send your questions to dearterri@rove.com.au