HOROSCOPES

Aquarius | Pisces | Aries | Taurus | Gemini | Cancer | Leo | Virgo | Libra | Scorpio | Sagittarius | Capricorn




Leo

Leo

You'll be horrified this week when you accidentally send your father out to be dry-cleaned. Things will get worse when he returns still covered in lint. >>


Libra

Libra

Surprise someone with flowers this week. Then return an hour later and surprise them again with a clown mask and a paintball gun. >>


aries

Aries

A pet can be wonderful company. This week, buy a pet, but choose wisely. Never buy an animal that is big enough to actually eat you. >>


Aquarius

Aquarius

The key to success comes in many forms, but stealing people’s keys will not help you on this path. Stealing their cars, however… >>


Taurus

Taurus

An act of courtesy will backfire terribly when a door you are holding open for an old lady, suddenly explodes. It's probably safer to be rude to people. >>


Capricorn

Capricorn

Life throws you curve balls every once in a while. Fortunately, life throws like a little girl, so the curve balls usually just bounce off the wall. Show no fear. >>


Cancer

Cancer

Try to freshen your life up with a new look this week. Consider a new haircut, a full beauty treatment, or possibly a sex change. >>


sagittarius

Sagittarius

Let your friend choose the restaurant, then quietly complain about the choice once you're sitting down. The stars say you need to be extra passive aggressive this week. >>


Scorpio

Scorpio

You've done something that's too embarrassing to admit to. This week, try and put the blame on to someone who is less easily embarrassed. >>


Gemini

Gemini

Your recent winning streak will end and an amazing losing streak will begin. It might even be so amazing that you will end up on Oprah. >>


Virgo

Virgo

Have fun by participating in sport. Not by playing the sport, but by running on to the field dressed as Austin Powers. Everyone will love you for it. >>


Pisces

Pisces

They say every dog has his day. Your dog's day will be this week. He will be elected Mayor. Later in the week he will appoint you Deputy Mayor. >>





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