Devon goes to Playboy heaven

Devon Quince gets a once-in-a-lifetime invitation to the Playboy Mansion.

I admit I'm not exactly what you'd call a 'red blooded Aussie male'. I'm more of a 'beige blooded male' if anything), but I'm certainly no fool. So when legendary (and horribly old) ladies man Hugh Hefner invited me to the Playboy Mansion for an exclusive interview, I was the first one in the hot tub!

DEVON QUINCE: Thanks for having me Hugh Hefner. Hey Hugh, how often do they change the water in this hot tub?

HUGH HEFNER: What?

DQ: This water stinks. It's full of leaves and stuff. And should it be this hot? It's boiling. It can't be safe for you to be in this water can it? You're like 150 years old.

HH: Eh?

DQ: So Hef, you're one of history's greatest sleaze bags. What's your secret?

HH: Zzz…

DQ: Hef!

HH: Who?

DQ: Hef, stay with me. How have you stayed on top of your empire for so long?

HH: Do I need to take my pills now?

DQ: Looking at you up close, I can't believe how old you look. You are ancient. You're not even listening to me are you Hugh Hefner? You're off in your own little fantasy world. Do you really need a fantasy world when you live at the Playboy Mansion?

HH: I'm gonna go to sleep now.

DQ: Do you think the young women who sleep with you genuinely love you and your wrinkly, old, repulsive body? Or do they love your money?

HH: Speak up!

[An unknown feathery mass floats to the surface of the bath]

DQ: Oh my GOD! Everybody out of the tub! Hef! There's a dead peacock in this bath! HEF! DEAD PEACOCK!

HH: Zzz…

[Devon Quince leaps out of the hot tub, wraps a towel around his naked body and runs away.]

Devon Quince was thoroughly disinfected following his visit to the Playboy Mansion. At the time of publication, Hugh Hefner was still in the bath with the dead peacock.