Holy sour grapes, Batman!

With murmurs that Heath Ledger will receive a posthumous Oscar, Devon Quince sits down for some bat chat with his co-star Christian Bale.

DEVON QUINCE: Well Christian, everyone seems very excited about the new Batman movie, eh what?

CHRISTIAN BALE: Yeah, it should be good. I play Batman, by the way. The central character.

DQ: Quite. Now of course a lot of the palaver in the lead-up has been centred on Heath Ledger… [CHRISTIAN BALE sighs]

DQ: … who's been widely praised for his portrayal of The Joker.

CB: Yeah… the kid wasn't bad.

DQ: Wasn't bad? Rolling Stone said he was 'mad-crazy-blazing brilliant'.

CB: Yeah, like I said, not bad. But look, I get asked about him in every interview I do. There's only so many times I can say, “It's unfortunate he died”. You know what I'm saying?

DQ: I suppose.

CB: The movie's called 'Batman', right? It's not called 'Heath Ledger'. So why doesn't anyone ask me questions about Batman? Like, “So, what new weapons does Batman use?” “How fast can Batman drive the Batmobile?” “Does it get hot inside the Batsuit?’ See? Why don't you ask something people actually want to hear about?

DQ: Well, my dear chap, I put it to you that right now people are very interested in Heath. I'm sorry if that's put your handsome nose out of joint, but that's just the way of the fickle public eye. For example, there's a big question about whether Heath will receive a posthumous Oscar.

CB: What would be the point of that? His descendents will just squabble over it until it winds up in an illegitimate child's trust fund.

DQ: I humbly suggest that Mr Bale display some tact and good grace.

CB: I can do what I want. I'm Batman.

DQ: [looking out a window] Well, fancy that.

CB: What?

DQ: [casually lying] Up there in the sky… It looks like… well, like some kind of bat signal.

CB: What? Really?

DQ: Yes. Right up there, against the clouds.

CB: I must save the city!

DQ: Yes, of course – off you hop. Or fly.

The interview ended when Christian Bale spun around to reveal he was wearing a cape and leapt out the window. Luckily the interview was being conducted on the ground floor, and only minor injuries were sustained.