Use the Quince Luke

The year was 1977. Devon Quince, an ambitious young celebrity reporter is sent to interview the stars of a soon-to-be-released science fiction film called ‘Star Wars’. History would never be the same again.


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away I sat down with two unknown actors named Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford. They were promoting a new movie called ‘Star Wars’. None of us could have predicted how huge this movie would become. Certainly not me. What follows, is what followed.

DEVON QUINCE: Gentlemen thank you for talking to me today.

HARRISON FORD and MARK HAMILL: Thank you Devon.

DQ: Now tell me about this movie you’re in. ‘Star Wars’. It sounds pretty ridiculous. What is this thing about?

MH: Well did you get a chance to see the film yet?

DQ: Well I attended a press screening. But I’ll be honest with you, I had a lot of drinks at the cocktail party before the movie. I was hammered. And I must have blacked out, because I only remember parts of ‘Star Wars’. And when I think about it, I get very confused.

MH: Oh.

DQ: Is the film any good boys? Are people gonna want to go and see ‘Star Wars’ when it comes out next month?

HF: Well I think it’s a very exciting story, told in a way that brings a great deal of originality to some classic themes.

DQ: Your name is Harrison Ford. Is that correct? Harrison?

HF: That’s right.

DQ: How bizarre. I didn’t even know ‘Harrison’ was a name. Do you worry that your acting career will fail because of your odd name?

HF: I’m not sure it’s relevant.

DQ: Well trust me Harrison. I’m a celebrity reporter. I’ve spoken to a lot of movie stars and none of them were named Harrison. It’s just not a movie star name. Now Mark Hamill. There is a name that screams ‘MOVIE STAR’.

HF: Perhaps we could focus the discussion more on ‘Star Wars’

DQ: No, I mean it Harrison. Let me be the first to predict that Mark Hamill will be the biggest movie star of all time. ‘Star Wars’ may fail, but Mark Hamill will triumph. This is just the beginning.

MH: I actually agree with Harrison, I’d prefer to discuss the movie.

DQ: Well, if sexy movie star Mark Hamill wants to talk about ‘Star Wars’, then that’s just what we’ll do. You’re magnetic Mark.

HF: Then let’s talk about the movie, for Christ’s sake.

DQ: OK Harrison...my first question is to Mark. Mark, what was it like playing Chewbacca?

MH: I didn’t play that part. I play Luke Skywalker in the film.

DQ: OK. Thanks Mark. My next question is for Harrison. Harrison, what was it like working with a big time star like Mark Hamill?

(HARRISON FORD and MARK HAMILL stare furiously at DEVON)

DQ: OK, obviously there was some on-set tension. Can I make a final prediction about ‘Star Wars’?

HF: What would that be?

DQ: Well I slept through a lot of it, as I said. But from what I remember, I had a nagging feeling that Luke Skywalker is actually Princess Leia’s brother. Am I crazy?

MH: You must have slept through more of the film than you thought. That’s not what happens.

DQ: Well, maybe they’ll make a second ‘Star Wars’ movie one day. And that can be part of it. Because another thing I thought of- what would happen if Darth Vader was actually Luke’s father? Do you see any dramatic possibilities there?

MH: No. That’s not true. That’s impossible!

HF: That is impossible.

DQ: Fine, I don’t really care either way. I don’t even like science fiction movies.

(Devon Quince is still embroiled in a $60m lawsuit against George Lucas, claiming this interview proves he wrote The Empire Strikes Back. He also claims he was the inspiration for the character of Jabba the Hutt.)