Like a Monkey Throwing Quince

Whilst trying to interview the touring Arctic Monkeys, Devon Quince gets carried away by the crowd.

I was meant to be at Melbourne's Festival Hall early so as I could interview the boys from Arctic Monkeys (Alex, Jamie, Matt and Nick), but it wasn't to be.

When I heard the concert was going to be at Festival Hall (a venue I hadn't been to in over 20 years and wasn't even sure was still standing) I was taken right back to my Leo Sayer days. I'd been a big fan of the falsetto master in my 20s and had gone along to see him shake his divine money-maker at Festival Hall. I had a bit of a scrapbook from those days; photos, tickets et cetera. But, to my surprise, a few of the old dried mushrooms fell out when I opened the book. With a glass or two of sav blanc, I downed the mushrooms hoping for a dose of the old days. But what I got was a trip I'll never forget, and can barely remember.

I woke up on the floor of the bathroom, the cat asleep on my belly. Now, I don’t have a cat, so I was off to a bad start. Amid the strange haze I still remembered I had to be at the Monkeys gig, and called a cab. But it was already 10.30pm by the time I left and my interview was scheduled for 6pm. After paying the cabbie and watching the car fly off like a yellow donut into the bleeding sky, strangely I was more concerned that the gig was underway and I was missing it.

Pushing through the young kids was harder than I thought. They didn't seem to take too kindly to an old dude- mind you I was stroking an awful lot of their faces. I made it to the front eventually, after a lot of fondling and arguing and for some reason I was still trying to get my interview. Totally irrational now that I think about it, but that's '70s mushrooms for you.

I got close to the stage and started to toss a few questions at the boys. This is the transcript from my Dictaphone I somehow had the presence of mind to bring along:

Devon Quince: Hey Alex!

Alex Turner: [no response]

DQ: Why’s it so black in my eyes?

AT: [no response]

DQ: What with all the spiders crawling all over you?

AT: [no response]

DQ: And all over me for that matter?!

AT: [no response]

DQ: Don't ignore me punk! You’re no Leo Sayer!

At this point, in my deluded state I tried to mount the stage. Luckily or unluckily, a young girl tried the same thing, only a second before. With all the security guards drawn to her I scampered up onto stage and, for a second, was face to face with lead singer, Alex Turner. Before I was ripped from the stage a burly bouncer (who I later found out was named Kevin) I had one thing to say to Alex as I looked him in the eye: "I know about the spiders." He looked scared, like he knew what I was talking about. But with that, Kevin tossed me back into the sea of young rock fans and I was swept away by the crowd.

When I got home a couple of days later, I flipped through my scrapbook (searching for more mushrooms to be honest) and looking back, this trip to Festival Hall wasn't much like the time I saw Leo, but an experience nonetheless.

RoveDaily assures readers Devon Quince is a total nut-job.