Bigfoot or bath mat?

Two dudes reckon they’ve discovered Bigfoot, but the only thing big about them is their lies, says Sam Bowring.

If you have any kind of access to the web (and if you’re reading this, I’m thinking you do), I’m betting you’ve heard the recent claims that a pair of ‘professional Bigfoot hunters’ have discovered a Bigfoot corpse. Which they put it into their freezer, of course. Hey, no ice cream for me thanks.

Now I’m not sure how one becomes a ‘professional Bigfoot hunter’ - perhaps by taking a boatload of psychotropic drugs? Or maybe it just sounds better than ‘forest-based conman’, especially on a tax return. One thing’s for sure – these guys are full of shit.

Firstly, they aren’t letting anyone actually see their dead Bigfoot. Sure, they have a photo, but who trusts photos? I have a photo of myself looking tanned, and even I don’t believe it ever really happened.

Secondly, the men have released ‘DNA evidence’ at a press conference, but what will that prove, given there’s nothing to actually compare Bigfoot DNA to?

Scientist: Hey, this DNA tastes like strawberry jam.
Bigfoot conman: That’s just what Bigfoot DNA is like! Trust me!

And thirdly, they stand to profit from all the hype, with expensive ‘Bigfoot tours’ available on their website and various other paraphernalia. Oh yes, and they were once involved in another Bigfoot ‘discovery’ that was proven to be a scam. If you are so naïve that you still believe them, I’m betting you also think you were brought to earth as a baby by a stork.

Look, I don’t want to be an unimaginative naysayer who claims we already know everything about the world. I love the idea that mythical beasties might exist, I just don’t think Bigfoot is one of them. It’s not even because all the photos ever taken of him are in grainy black and white and look like someone on the way to a fancy dress party who got lost in the woods. It’s because if Bigfoot DID exist, he wouldn’t be such a massive wussburger. If you happen to be unfamiliar with the term ‘wussburger’, it means ‘cowardly’, a ‘fraidy cat’, or ‘one of yellow belly’. If I was a huge strong hairy ape-man, I wouldn’t be running away from everyone. What I’d do is grow a pair of huge strong hairy balls, and stand up for myself.

And even if Bigfoot was a total gutless sissy, we still would have seen him. He can’t be that stealthy – he’s a towering, lumbering pillar of fur! There are other creatures stealthier than him, like tigers for example. Tigers are one stealthy customer, yet we have heaps of proof that they actually existence! Even rugs! If Bigfoot was real, trust me, some Chinese herbalist would be drinking a tea made from his dick right now.

Ah well. Maybe I’ll stop writing for this website and go into business as a ‘dragon hunter’. Could be a niche business with some good money attached, especially if I had no qualms about bald-facedly lying to the world in general.

Yeah, sounds good – ‘Sam Bowring, Professional Dragon Hunter’.

Wonder where I’ll get the hats printed?