You Can't Relay on the West

Amidst torch relay chaos, Sam Bowring points fingers at pointing fingers.

Goodness me, all kinds of hoo-haa going on with the Olympic Torch, isn’t there? It’s like protesters from different nations are trying to outdo each other - as if the protests themselves were a medal-awarding contest. ‘And the gold goes to the mobs of Europe!’ Then they rush the stage and tear it apart.

In London some 35 protesters were arrested after trying to disrupt the torch relay, which Chinese officials branded as "vile behaviour". Their suggested penalty? Chain the protestors up in cages and milk their livers for delicious bile.

In Paris the torch was actually extinguished due to massive public pressure. I suspect the French, however, were not protesting over China’s treatment of Tibet – they really just don’t like having foreigners in their country. In fact as the torch passed along streets, you could actually see the prices in cafes and bars miraculously rise. Ha ha, just kidding, sacre bleau!

The French actually had to put the torch into a bus. It’s not much of a relay when a bus gets involved, is it? Can you imagine France getting away with these tactics in the real Olympics? ‘Hey Louie! Pass me the baton through the sliding doors! We’re going to smoke these bitches!’ By the way ‘baton’ is a word MADE to be said in a French accent. Try it out, say it to yourself: Baton, baton, baton. See? It’s fun.

But as much as some Chinese practices obviously don’t take the sanctity of life into much account (in fact the account is pretty much overdrawn), I find some of these international reactions a little rich. Like the French are talking about boycotting the Olympic opening ceremony over China’s treatment of Tibet. Because you know, it’s not like the French greedily grasp onto any territories which don’t really belong to them, eh? Not like there’s any such thing as French Guiana, or French Polynesia? Oh wait a minute, hold the phone, in fact grip that phone very tightly indeed – yes there is. And, as far as I know, the Chinese haven’t set off any nuclear bombs in Tibet, unlike the French and their pacific ‘testing’. Could this be a case of Le Hypocrisy? As racially sensitive as the pot calling the kettle a nigger?

In San Francisco the torch was hidden from the protesting public in a warehouse. Because warehouses are always EXCELLENT places to store a naked flame. That’s where they really do their best work.

Surfing the wave of public opinion, Hillary Clinton called for George Bush to also boycott the Olympic opening ceremony. Mmm, sure, because the US certainly cannot be seen to officially endorse any human rights abuse. No, they prefer to do it sneakily behind everyone’s back, then say ‘wha?’ if it’s brought up in polite conversation.

And soon enough, the torch will reach Canberra. I do hope the Aussies protest with the best of them. We can do so freely because it’s not like we have any races of people around being treated like second class citizens, or anyone getting locked up and treated badly. Eh?

I’m not saying protests shouldn’t happen, I’m really not. I’m just saying that if you’re complaining about my lawn as you look down over the fence from your beanstalk, I don’t tend to take you very seriously.

Or in short, everyone’s buggered.

Good night.

- Sam Bowring