Congratulations, it's a photo op!

With baby photos fetching millions of dollars, Terri Psiakis suggests that it might be worth popping out one for mum, one for dad, and one for the mortgage.

So Angelina Jolie's finally shifted another couple of units. Yeah, I know: the miracle of childbirth. Whatever. She had a Caesarean. Was she too posh to push?

Excuse me for being so flippant but I've just picked myself up off the floor after reading that Angelina and Brad are being paid $11 million for the first photos of their newborn twins. Not one million. Eleven. And yes, I know they're giving that money to charity. Good on them. My issue is who the hell pays $11 million dollars for photos?

God knows how much Nicole and Keith will pocket for the first photos of their sprog. Do we even care what the little nuggets look like straight out of the oven? “Yep. Just as I thought – they look like babies.” I'd much rather see photos of these kids at 15 so I can console myself with the knowledge that having beautiful parents doesn't stop your face from looking like a pizza with-the-lot when puberty kicks in. Call me nasty. I am.

My aunty's baby arrived on Friday and on Sunday, The Bloke and I visited her in hospital. While The Bloke neatly sidestepped queries regarding when we were going to crank one out, I photographed the tiny human. I even held her – and the whole thing cost me nothing, which made me think that my aunty hadn't really thought things through. Sure she's not a famous actor or musician but at the end of the day, neither are these babies. So for my aunty and any other mothers who've just popped, here are my tips for making a quick quid from your kid:

• Charge a viewing fee for anyone who wants a look at the fruit of your loins, including the father, siblings, other family, nurses, and doctors. In fact, charge more for doctors. They earn heaps.
• Double the viewing fee for anyone who wants a hold.
• Double the holding fee for photos. And make sure you retain all the photo rights, so that if someone wants to send the photo to someone else, they can’t do it unless they shell out more.
• Collect anything that comes out of or off your baby. Poo, wee, spew, nappies and dried umbilical cords can all be auctioned off on eBay.
• Finally, consider putting a price on your child. Appearance fees will prove highly lucrative when the little bugger’s presence is requested at family functions.

Print this out and stick it up on the walls of your nearest maternity ward at once.