Crime.com

Sam Bowring wonders where all the axe murderers have gone?

So the internet is full of websites designed to match people up with what they're looking for. If you were looking for a house, for example, you could enter your desired area and price range into a real estate website. The website would then come back very quickly with the results, i.e. to laugh in your face at what you think you can afford.

Dating sites are an obvious example. Once upon a time people shunned dating sites, back when it was believed that everyone on the internet was an axe murderer. Why axe murderers, who by definition wield archaic and outmoded weaponry, would need to send each other emails, I've never really understood. These days dating sites are much more accepted, and users know they probably aren't going to meet many axe murderers per-say. So the question becomes, where have all the axe murderers gone?

The answer – they now have meeting sites of their own.

That's right – there are now websites designed to bring together criminals, find out if they share common interests, get them chatting, share ideas and possibly even hook up.

Now obviously these sites aren't too easy to track down, especially when you're the calibre of researcher that I am. You can't simply go on google and type in "robbing banks" and "long walks by the beach" to find your perfect crime partner. As such, I can only speculate wildly as to how these sites must operate.

Do the crims have profiles, like on myspace?

Sex: M
Street name: Thugger
Criminal interests: Diamond heists, contract killing
Star sign: Aries
Favourite movie: How Stella Got Her Groove Back
Looking for: Friends, relationship, getaway driver

Are you able to enter in search criteria? Could you, for example, specify the age, sex and body weight of your prospective ally? "No fat kidnappers please, may be running involved". If you're already deliberately setting fire to bushland with molotov cocktails, do you really care if your buddy smokes or drinks?

Do the crims converse in chat rooms, channels like #stabbing_knives and #stabbing_icepick? And if so, do they use smilies?

>:)

"Hatching an evil scheme."

x-p

"That person is dead."

x-p?

"I'm pretty sure that person is dead."

;-)

"Stick to the plan."

:-#

"I'm not going to squeal on anyone."

-|--- (:o

"I will stab your head."

:-)

"We got away with it."

Etc.

And of course an important way websites generate further patronage is with the testimonials section:

"Thank you rogues.com for putting me in touch with my new crime friend! Your site made it so easy to meet, and now we do everything together – car theft, grand larceny, even some light mail fraud. I've never been happier!" - "Two thumbs" McCoy

Ah yes, another disturbing addition to this disturbing world. Just what we needed.

- Sam Bowring