Diary of an emo newbie

Andrew Furze plunges into the deep end and goes emo for a month.

Emos are making all the cash and scoring all the chicks and I don't want to be left behind. Paris, Ashlee, Nicole – they're all tying the knot with an emo, Chemical Romance are moving more units than Yanni at the Acropolis, and even Country Road has an emo section (although the cream jeans may need some work).

I don't see why emos should have all the fun, so I'm sucking in my gut and stealing my sister's Levis.

Thursday 1st May 2008
First big problem: Emo jeans are tighter than Oprah's g-string. Destiny (my new myspace friend) says a strict vegan diet is the key. She says if I don't eat meat, soon I'll be thinner than an Olsen twin during Lent.

Friday 16th May 2008
Haven't eaten for two weeks. My black stove-pipes are virtually spandex and my skin has gone completely anaemic, which Destiny says is a good thing.

Wednesday 21st May 2008
Last night I saw the new band “Funeral For The Crystal Bullets Of My Bloody Chemical Morning Crippled Heart Drive Taxi”. They're the only ones who understand the depth of blackness in my fractured soul.

Friday 23rd May 2008
I'm so alone.

Tuesday 27th May 2008
Still alone. It seems as an emo boy, I'm supposed to pick-up using apathy, hair straighteners and bisexuality. Apparently tongue-pashing a bass player with incredible hair is a great way to blow girl's minds and ensure a good grope behind the 7-11 later. Remember this.

Wednesday 28th May 2008
Ok, felt awkward frenching “Raul”, the Goth with a 20-inch fringe, but afterwards some girl called Ebony came up and said it was “hot” and she gave me her Facebook address and told me to poke her. Great success!

Friday 30th May
Transformation complete. My hair, wardrobe, and soul are pure black and I'm getting more action than Tony Mokbel at shower time. From the depths of my tortured soul, fallen.in.tears.xx.gloomy.angel