Difficult to Swallow

Michael Chamberlin discovers we're the fifth fattest nation in the world and is appalled. We should be fatter!

I wouldn't consider myself to be overly patriotic, in fact, I'm uncomfortable around those who are; well, mainly just those who shout "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie". But I read an article last week that managed to evoke the green and gold in me, the results of a study that named Australia the fifth fattest nation in the world.

Fifth. Behind the US, Mexico, the UK and Greece.

Fifth. Meaning that if all the nations in the world raced up 3 flights of stairs, we'd come fifth last.

I was horrified.

That's the best we can do? Fifth? Are we even trying anymore? I keep on hearing our politicians tell us that this is the greatest country in the world yet there are still children out there who have never heard the words "anyone for thirds?", there are still children out there who have never been told "you're a diabetic"?

We must not rest until every person in this country sweats gravy, bleeds strawberry jam and pisses pancake batter.

Where's your pride, Australia ?

My grandfather didn't fight at Gallipoli so we could sit on our fifth-placed-arses. The only reason he went to Turkey in the first place was to bring back as many fat-filled kebabs as he could carry.

After all, what the hell was he supposed to eat when he was drunk?

Obesity is one of the major causes of death in the western world after car accidents and attack by monkey but no one ever thinks of the positive side to obesity.

Think of the jobs obesity creates in the manufacturing industry. The bigger the arse, the bigger the pant required. If a pair of tracksuit pants becomes a three man job, that's three more jobs for Australians.

Fat people are good for the health system, after all, what’s the point of having a health system if there are no sick people to use it. Obesity causes illness which gives our doctors work. I’m not paying taxes to have empty hospitals.

You can understand my logic.

Some say childhood obesity is a problem. I don't think our kids are fat enough.

I say the fatter the child, the more socially awkward it becomes and the more time it spends in its room on the computer.

Within a few years, we may very well have a generation of technological geniuses coming up with the engineering breakthroughs of our time.

Sure, they won't be able to have a conversation with another human being but it will help trade.

I'll confess, I haven't done my part, what with my 'jogging' and my 'fruit', but from now on, all of that changes. From now on, I refuse to walk when I can drive, bacon shall become the most important food group of them all and I shall find a way to squeeze a meal in before breakfast and another just after brunch.

And one day, with a bit of hard work and bit of luck, maybe one day I will be walking down Main St, USA only to hear the words whispered in the wind, "Check out that fat prick!"

You might say that I'm a dreamer. But I’m not the only one. I hope some day, you will join us. And we all might just weigh a tonne.

- Michael Chamberlin