Dog-boy slaves for everyone

Britain, or the Island of Dr Moreau? Sam Bowring asks the difficult questions.

So did you hear about how British parliament has voted to make it legal to create human-animal hybrids? Wow, sounds pretty sci-fi! And although I don't really understand the reasons, details or 'science' behind it, I'm more than willing to fling my hat off and run wildly into the Fields of Possibility.

This could herald a fantastic new era. For a start, every man would be able to realise his childhood dream of dating a mermaid. That is every man's dream right? I thought so. Hot! Just don't buy her fishnet stockings, or it could end very badly.

Secondly, the world could finally have real superheroes, like Batman, Spiderman, the Beast, and Seahorse-Boy. In case you're wondering about Seahorse-Boy, he's a copyrighted creation of my own, and the subject of several manuscripts which I've sent to Marvel Comics. I've been eagerly awaiting an offer of publication for some years, and I'll wait as long as it takes. After all, what's not to like? He's a DUDE who can carry his YOUNG for goodness sakes!

Thirdly, imagine the human/animal implementations for athletes. Predestined runners could be grown with springbok legs, swimmers could be morphed with cats (well cats don't like the water so they'd want to get out of it REALLY fast), high jumpers spliced with kangaroos or possibly fleas. The list goes on. See: ants and weightlifters, bears and boxers, octopi and goalkeepers… Currently I find sport as boring as bat shit, but if basketballers could actually DO bat shit as they swoop to the ring, I'd probably watch.

Fourthly, pets. Imagine having a dog with just a smattering of child, who you could teach to juggle or mix your drinks. In my estimation this would qualify more as a super-intelligent dog rather than a nearly-incapacitated human, in case you're having some kind of moral dilemma about the idea. Obviously we don't want to go too far down this path - no one wants a tank full of fish with human faces. That would just be creepy.

The animal/human hybrid issue has of course fired up religious groups, who believe that life begins at conception, and object to any research that effectively disproves this. I've only one thing to say to that: imagine a bishop with rabbit ears! Certainly an effective way to hold on those silly hats they wear! Wouldn't you be complaining about THAT, would you your grace?

I thought not.