Economic Armageddon and You

Sam Bowring takes a look at the market crash and other things he doesn't understand.

So it looks like the world is on the verge of economic collapse. Whenever I hear about such things, it makes me equally worried and confused. I'm worried because it sounds bad, but on the other hand, I have no idea what it means. It's like if someone told me that quasars are dangerous. "Oh gosh!" I'd say. "What will they do? Rob me in my sleep?"

MONEY! It brings us food, shelter and the love of our fellow man. It buys us cough drops when we feel a little throaty. And various other things as well.

Where would we be without it? Africa?

What does a global economic collapse actually result in? In a world where money is broke? If you're like me (doubtful) you can't help but imagine some kind of pseudo-apocalyptic landscape, where skyscrapers crumble and starving bankers roam the streets nipping at each other like rabid dogs. There's no place for them in the new world order. It's a return to more rustic times, where people live off the land, building houses from dead ATMs. Casinos become the grazing grounds of nomadic sheep herders, moving their flocks from floor to floor up stationery escalators. In the middle east, people return to the traditional way of fighting each other, instead of greedy westerners. Meanwhile at home the main worry is keeping the bankers out of your pumpkin patch, hurling gold bars to keep them at bay. Using the phrase "all ordinaries index" would be the equivalent of today's "ooga booga"!

I guess I'd have to work out what I'd do. I’m a comedian now ... so I guess I'd become like a wandering minstrel, moving from town to town, telling stories and jokes for a crust of bread. The problem with performing for casino sheep herders is, of course, you have to play to the lowest common denominator.

Sigh. Maybe this vision is too idealistic. I guess there's downsides every way you turn. And I guess I would miss things like new release dvds, and being able to lord over less developed countries.

Come on money! I take it back! Don't give up on us now!

If you want to support the cause of money, I suggest writing to your local head of state. Let them know that money is important to you, and urge them to take action. Together, maybe we can make them realise that money is worth saving!

I hope so. For the sake of the bankers.

Caw. Caw.

- Sam Bowring