Mousing an offer you can't refuse

Terri Psiakis discovers tiny poopies and immediately puts out a hit on a tiny bottom.

It all started one morning with tiny poopies on the stovetop, which – like the rest of the kitchen – I am in the habit of leaving spotless at the end of each evening (I'm a Virgo – back off).

The fact that I usually leave the stovetop spotless was what made the tiny poopies stand out. That, plus the fact that I'm not usually in the habit of defecating on cooking appliances. At least, not my own. That, plus the fact that I could never back out anything that small. My bum's just not that nimble.

Seeing poopies on my stove was upsetting to say the least. Not knowing whose poopies they were was worse. I suspected mice but wasn't sure, so I looked mouse poopies up on the net. Stop laughing. With mouse poopies confirmed, I tackled The Bloke on how best to deal with our loose-sphinctered little guest.

The Bloke suggested poisoning but I was against it. Not because I didn't want the mouse to suffer but because poisoning wouldn't give me any proof of death. For all I knew, the hairy little defecator could crawl off somewhere, dial the Poisons Information Centre and be losing his shit on my stovetop again in no time. No poison, I said, momentarily wondering when I'd turned into the Evil Queen, demanding to see Snow White's heart in a box.

Truly, I wanted a body. I told The Bloke I wanted him to kill the mouse but upon further reflection I added that I also wanted him to make it look like an accident. The Bloke responded by confiscating my Sopranos DVDs.

We've put poison down and laid traps but both remain untouched. Occasionally I see a tiny turd but the mouse itself has yet to appear in the flesh and I've no idea whether it's operating alone. For all I know, they're everywhere: in my cupboards, on my couch, in my pants.

I gaze at our giant beagle and resent him for not being a cat. One night I lay awake and imagined tiny, high-pitched giggling and the clinking of little glasses in the pantry.

Maybe I could get The Bloke to spike their drinks?