Nicole Kidman's moulin flute

Listening to music while giving birth is fine, but Terri Psiakis can't understand what Our Nic hears in Those Flutes.

Don't get me wrong – I like Nicole Kidman. I like that she’s a very successful actress, I like her laugh. But when I read that she planned to listen to James Galway while giving birth, I stopped liking Nicole Kidman.

James Galway is a world-famous classical flautist. I can't imagine why anyone would want to listen to him while giving birth. I know I didn't want to listen to him when I was in Grade 2. My teacher had this obsession for playing classical music to us while we were 'experiencing free time' (read: colouring-in) and I distinctly remember a James Galway album amongst her collection of cassettes (it was 1985, people.)

The sounds of Galway will stay with me for life. Not because they were terrible, just because they were… soft. Boring. Lacking in guts. Even at the age of seven, I knew crap when I heard it. (And if Galway's reading this: go ahead and sue me, buddy. I'll have the last laugh, because I know that apart from good hair and a fine upbringing, I have no assets.) I hated Galway with a passion, but Nicole probably finds his work 'soothing'. In the article I read, a 'source' was quoted as saying, “Whenever you go to Nicole's house, she has Galway on. There's one Prokofiev sonata that is her favourite.” So you know what I did? I googled that sonata. Turns out it's boring as bat shit. No way!

I feel sorry for Kidman’s kid. The first thing Sunday Rose heard was probably Galway. Flutey, tooty Galway. And what kind of a welcome to the world is that? I mean, there’s every chance Nicole knows her kid's going to be picked on in later life due to the fact that she's probably going to be a blood-nut. So surely she’d want to play her something to instill it with a bit of guts? Play it Zeppelin. AC/DC. Anything but Galway. Otherwise I’m tipping there’ll be grounds for a Child Services complaint.