Smack happy

If BDSM makes you happy, can we smack kids again? Kent Valentine investigates.

A new study has found that men who participate in BDSM sexual practices (you know, whips, chains, safety words) score lower on a scale of psychiatric distress than men who don’t. That is, it makes them happier. More spanking = more smiling.

Wow, what a revolutionary piece of research! Who’d have guessed that allowing guys to indulge their sexual peccadilloes would make them happier? I always though that repression and denial were the keys to happiness - I mean, it worked so well for the church.

If someone’s willing to fund this type of research, then why not take it all the way? If a little bit of slap and tickle makes guys a little happier, then let’s see how far we can go. Maybe we’re only a ball-gag, a pineapple and an ounce of courage away from creating some kind of male, sexual utopia. Can we afford not to find out?

Curiously enough, the newspaper report that covered this study made no mention of the effect of BDSM on the happiness of women that are presumably also involved. I mean it’s all very well and good to say that male happiness is off the charts, but it’s not going to last very long if the ladies involved aren’t really enjoying pounding their whimpering boyfriends with a paddle while dressed in a Princess Leia bikini.

Can’t we find something that we both like? I mean I’m all for finding the dude-nirvana, but I don’t want to be floating on a cloud of sexual happiness while my girlfriend is forced to reach for the rabbit and think of Jake Gyllenhaal. I think that we should be sending these scientists back to the drawing board until they come back with something that covers all the bases. Until those egg-heads can come up with something that floats the boat of ladies, guys, lady-guys, guy-ladies and Guy Pearce, then we should at least keep the Princess Leia costume in the cupboard; you know, out of respect.

- Spanking Kent Valentine