Weapons of mass deception

Iran’s ballistic missile push-up bra is a touch over the top and completely unnecessary to boot, says Kent Valentine.

Recently Iran conducted missile tests and released the photos to the world, but not before Photoshopping out a missile that didn't fire and replacing it with an image of one that did. Oh dear.

Now, I know that the world is always going to be full of deception for the sake of appearance. Dave's either six foot two or wearing platforms; Melanie's either a 16-D or that's a push-up; and Iran either successfully tested short-range missiles, or fudged it with Photoshop. Sometimes, it's so hard to tell.

But it's easy to see why we engage in these deceptions: “She'll shag me if I'm tall”; “He'll shag me if I have great boobs”; “The whole world will shag us when they witness our intercontinental ballistic superiority.” I mean, we've all been there. The only thing is, such deceptions are a complete waste of time because a) you're going to get caught out, and b) you don't need them anyway.

Firstly, there's no way you can hide your lie forever, and when you do get caught out, it's embarrassing. Either they'll see you with your bra off, or perhaps your poor Photoshop skills will be exposed by the Western media. Both have happened to me, and neither is fun. Secondly, in a world with 6 billion people, surely the statistics tell you that we can all find someone to like us without pretending to be something we're not. Six billion is a lot of people, and I know statistics: they don't lie.

After all, Dave might be short, Melanie might be a C-cup and one of Iran's short-range missiles might not have launched properly, but who cares? None of these are things to be ashamed of. Height and breast size are genetic, bigger isn't better and missile launching is… well… rocket science. Besides which, if you're trying to impress someone who's only interested in your height, tits or missile success rate, then take it from me, they're shallow and not worth impressing.

We've all got things that we're not happy with, but sometimes you just have to focus on the positives. Dave is a great listener, Melanie is wicked on the cello and Iran has heaps of things going for it: gnarly snowboarding, a shit-load of oil and, according to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, no gays. Perfect for the stoner, four-wheel-driving, homophobic crowd.

- Kent Valentine