You can leave your hat on

Terri Psiakis covers up and ponders other people’s penchant for pervy pics.

Sampling the media coverage of the nude photos of Jess Origliasso, one half of The Veronicas, I wondered: is the headline “NUDE PHOTO SHOCK!” somewhat of an oxymoron?

I don’t care who you are – celebrity or layperson, which sounds rude but isn’t – but as far as this little black duck is concerned, if you allow someone to take nude photos of you you’re asking for trouble. Hence the reason I’ve never done it (mind you, I’m also petrified that people will find out that underneath all these clothes, I am in fact a little black duck. Awkward.)

Ladies, hear this: unless you’re taking the photos so you can send them in to the Home Girls page of your favourite lad’s mag, do not allow yourself to be photographed starkers. It’s that simple. By all means, however, don’t stop sending your photos in to Home Girls. I’d hate to deny anyone else the experience I had a couple of years ago when I happened to scan the Home Girls section and had cause to exclaim, “I went to primary school with her!” I’m bad with names but I never forget a face.

It’s the same with sex tapes. Sure, Verne Troyer’s sex tape was tiny, tiny manna from tiny, tiny heaven but for the love of God, why do people do this? Most of us have enough hang-ups about being photographed or filmed clothed. Don’t tell me you’ve never sucked in your gut or done that thing where you face the camera but turn your body side-on. Imagine all the stuff you’d have to do in a nude shoot. Personally, I’d be so uptight I’d have to pose with someone very buxom so I could hide behind her boobs.

Whenever these sorts of scandals break I can’t help but try to imagine the conversation that might have gone on between the subject and the person behind the camera during the shoot:

SUBJECT: So this is just going to be for us, right?
CAMERA PERSON: Sure.
SUBJECT: If we split up, you’re going to destroy all this.
CAMERA PERSON: Right.
SUBJECT: I’m so glad I can trust you, baby.
CAMERA PERSON: Yeah. Could you spread your legs a little bit further, hon?
SUBJECT: Anything for you, you’re so sweet.

Honestly, if you must nude up for the camera make sure you get a few shots of your photographer sans pants, too. That way, the conversation can go more like this:

SUBJECT: So this is just going to be for us, right?
CAMERA PERSON: Sure.
SUBJECT: Because you know that if you leak this, I’m going to spread you all over town, too.
CAMERA PERSON: Right.
SUBJECT: I’m so glad I can trust you, baby.
CAMERA PERSON: Yeah. On second thoughts, maybe we should just watch Neighbours.
SUBJECT: Anything for you, you’re so sweet.

My hot tip: keep your clothes on, people. And while you’re at it, keep your hands where I can see them.