Review: The Audi TT

Josh Thomas doesn't want to sound like a brat, but he really, really hates his Dad's new Audi.

My dad went away recently and I was left with his new Audi TT. I admit that at first I felt pretty darn cool. I was surrounded by $80000 worth of sporty, leather and chrome machine. I was cruising along listening to some sweet tunes (Hairspray soundtrack) with my sunnies on thinking "ooooooh yeeeeh, this baby gives me a 22% increased chance of poon-tang". But that feeling was short lived. Before "Good Morning Baltimore" had even finished I stalled the car. And three men in a truck pointed and laughed. It was at this point I realised no one was looking at me thinking "how cool is that weird looking kid in the super hot car!" they were thinking "If I was his dad I really wouldn't let him drive that".

No one can drive this car and not look like a tool. I especially dislike the image of my dad driving the car. He thinks he looks cool because he is driving an expensive sports car. He doesn't, he still looks old, fat and bald. If anything the contrast of the sleek, modern car highlights the old, fat baldness of my dad. Plus the car is so low he can't get out of it without looking slightly retarded and then grunting and groaning because his muscles are so worn out he can't stand up without being in mild pain.

My dad argues that he bought the car because it is "fast and fun to drive" my dad is the lamest, most law abiding man you can meet. What is the point of a car that go to a top speed of 220 miles per hour if you are just going to curmudgeon around at 50k/hr on all residential streets.

I know what your probably thinking "oh, poor Josh having to drive around in a brand new European sports car, life must be so hard" and I shouldn't complain. There are kids in Africa who have to drive Ford lasers. My problem is that the car is such an attention grabbing, vulgar display of wealth.

And it seems other people agree with me, recently I returned to my car after a night out and someone had thrown half a dozen eggs at it. I took the car straight to the car wash but a little bit of egg remained under the spoiler and marked the paint. I'm pretty sure when my dad saw it, he cried a little bit.

To sum it up the Audi is nice, especially if you enjoy having people laugh at you when you stall, if you like looking semi-retarded every time you try and get in and out of your car and if you like egg.

- Josh Thomas