Beowulf in 3D Awesome

The Beastie Boys said "Fight for your right to party", and the Danes took it one step further. The result is Beowulf and Kent Valentine is here to explain how good it is.

I was going to like the Beowulf movie before I even saw it, and that's because I love the story of Beowulf. It's the oldest recorded English text, and one of the most kick-arse stories around. For those of you not familiar with the plot, it goes something like this (spoilers ahead, but lets face it, you've had 1300 years to read it):

• The Danes build a mead hall in which to have parties
• They party
• Party noises upset local monster, Grendel, who slaughters almost all within the hall
• Party hall is closed
• Beowulf rocks up to slay monster and re-open party hall
• Beowulf fights Grendel, in the nude
• Beowulf kills Grendel
• Party hall opens
• Grendel's mother, angry at the death of her son, slays all within the hall
• Party hall closed
• Beowulf fights Grendel's mother (not nude this time) and kills her
• Party hall opens and Beowulf becomes king of the party
• Years later, a dragon rocks up
• Beowulf fights dragon
• They both die

The story is pretty accessible for the modern audience since it revolves around a noise-complaint against a group of Danes who have more commitment to partying than a mash-up of Paris, Lindsay, Britney and cocaine.

So it was with this fondness for the boozy Danes and their nude, monster-killing hero that I trundled off to see Beowulf fairly confident that I would enjoy the film, but adamant that it would never be better than it was in my head.

Oh how wrong I can be.

Let me just say that I now believe that there is an equation for making cool things better, and that equation is:

Cool thing + IMAX 3D = super amazing mind-blowing thing

Beowulf is great, but Beowulf in IMAX 3D so good, that I'm going to say it's the best value for 20 bucks since whipped-cream bulbs.

When you get to the cinema, they give you a special set of ugly glasses that you need to wear in order to get the 3D effect of the film. And while wearing glasses like these outside the cinema would be a sure-fire way of remaining a virgin forever, within the confines of the cinema, they are your passport to a world of 3-dimensional wonder not seen since… well… real life. Fire, blood, knives and mead all blast out at you from the screen, drawing you deeper and deeper into a world where slaughter and the hands of a monster isn't enough of a deterrent to keep you from eating, drinking and merrymaking.

Go and see Beowulf in 3D. It's got everything that you could want in a film and then some. If however, a naked fight scene, a dragon, a hero, a monster and a good old-fashioned piss-up aren't enough to make you go and check this film out, it's also got a 3D Angelina Jolie, completely naked but for a layer of gold paint. I'm not kidding.

And when you're being towered over by a giant, 3D, naked, Angelina Jolie; you really know you're watching a fantasy.

- Kent Valentine