Hot dog bites challenger

It's a Coney Island eating competition that's hard to swallow in more ways than one, writes Terri Psiakis.

So I reckon I've probably sunk to the bottom of the fetid depths of what the technology known as television has to offer. No, really. I watched a televised hotdog-eating competition. Also known as a dog-off. I'm not joking. Foxtel has a lot to answer for.

Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest is held annually at Coney Island, New York but allow me to point out that I didn't watch it by choice. I was forced to watch by The Bloke, who told me I was in for “one of the most amazing experiences of all time”. I imagine the competitors said something similar to their gag reflex.

After ten minutes, how many hotdogs? Fifty-nine, if you're the guys who initially tied: Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. One sounds vaguely Usual Suspects-eque and the other sounds like he could have been one of the main characters in The Sopranos. Because the competition couldn't end in a tie, Kobayashi and Chestnut had to complete a five-dog eat-off. Which sounds like a cross between an RSPCA matter and something you'd see on the Adult Channel but I swear to you I'm not making up any of this.

In the end, Chestnut won, and made this comment about his rival: “He wanted it, but I needed it.” I doubt very much that anyone needs a grand total of 64 rapidly consumed hotdogs. I'm tipping even fly-blown children in Africa would probably think twice on the grounds that 64 hotdogs is just plain ridiculous.

As to the way these hotdogs were eaten: to quote my father, “Crikey, Moses.” These guys aren't really chewing. They're pretty much just shoving hotdogs into their faces one after another with the occasional gulp of water to soften the bread. Chestnut's technique results in bits of moist hotdog all over his face to the point where it's hard to tell if he's been eating them or purging them.

While watching the competition made me feel mildly ill, I couldn't help but be impressed by the competitors' sheer determination to complete the task. The rules state that once food enters the competitor's mouth it can't exit again. So there was a bit of, shall we say, 'regurgitation retrieval' for this reason. Which left me thinking that their after-parties must be pretty lonely. I can't see how the question “Aren't you the guy who ate his own vomit back up?” could ever be a prelude to a pash.

Rating: Eating competitions receive three regurgitated hot dogs out of 64.