Smile for the insecurity camera

Who's watching the people who watch us? Kent Valentine gives public security cameras the evil eye.

You can't go anywhere now without spotting a sign that says, 'This area is under camera surveillance for the comfort and safety of customers and staff'. Ok thanks, because there's nothing like the comfort of being on camera, is there? Whenever I feel a tad uncomfortable or a little unsafe, what I like to do is get my face captured on film as soon as possible. In fact, being on camera is the key to my comfort. If I'm feeling vulnerable or insecure? Roll that tape. Worried or scared? Point, click, upload. Concerned about my safety?. Hook me up to some CCTV, please!

Here's the thing: security cameras don't give me a sense of comfort. They give me a sense of distrust and paranoia, a sinister feeling, like we might be in a police state, or an episode of OZ. As for their claims of providing safety, you know what a CCTV camera will do if you're stabbed? Absolutely nothing. It won't stop the knife, it won't call the cops, it won't even staunch the bleeding as the not-so-artful dodger runs down the street with your ipod. The only thing it will do is capture some half-arsed, black and white, grainy-as-a-silo image of a tracksuit wearer aged between 16 and 45 - at two frames per second. And that's only if it's pointed in the right direction.

So film us if you must, but don’t treat us like idiots. Because frankly, I’d be more happy with the truth:
"Look, we don't trust you not to steal our shit, so we've installed a camera so you can smile for the police. Ok?"
“Look, our taxi drivers are infuriating, so we've installed a camera so that we can sue you if you get violent because of the driver's ineptitude. Ok?”
“Look, there's a couple on the third floor who shag in this elevator, so we've installed a camera so we can watch. OK?!”

I don't even care that there are people who want to film everything, I'm just sick of them hiding behind the 'public comfort and safety' excuse, like some kind of peeping tom in a leafy bush. Because you know what gives us comfort? Cushions. Cushions and hot chocolate. And you know what gives us a sense of safety? Airbags and flak jackets. If the people who use security cameras really want to make us comfortable and safe, they should give every person a kevlar vest lined with goose-down, which comes with its own built-in neck pillow and a cup-holder at the front for a giant mug of cocoa. Until they do, they should take their cameras and have a good hard look at themselves.

- Kent Valentine