Suburban Mayhem

Terri Psiakis likes to party. But when it comes to the parties thrown by her neighbours, she no likey.

I live in a little house in the suburbs. There’s nothing particularly special about my suburb but it is a bit bogan. To give you an idea of how bogan, on a scale of flannelette to ugg boots my suburb hovers somewhere around acid wash. I have no idea what that means, either.

I love having friends around to my little house. Therefore I’d never stop anyone else from having friends round to their little house. But having friends round when you live in the suburbs involves observing certain protocols.

Let me explain: the people who live across the road from me had a big party on the weekend. If I’d been a guest at that party I probably would have rated it well. But I wasn’t a guest – I was the person quaking with a mixture of fear and outrage in the house across the road. And based upon that experience, here are the rules I think you should follow if you’re having friends round to your little house in the suburbs:

1) Turn the music down after midnight. No, really. I don’t care if you “F***ing love this song.” It’s 2am – turn it down. And if you’re playing anything by Rihanna, you should never have turned it up.

2) On the subject of music, try to play each song on your party playlist only once. I don’t want to hear Umbrella seven times in a row. And please don’t try to tell me that it’s “ok because it’s raining.”

3) Try to ensure guest parking doesn’t inconvenience everyone else in the street. You block my driveway, I slash your tyres. Where possible, ask guests to mount the kerb to allow through-traffic. Do not allow your guests to mount each other – see Rule 5 for more details.

4) The number of guests leaving the party at 3am on a motorbike after starting it, letting it idle for ten minutes then doing a couple of laps of the street before roaring off into the night should be limited to no more than zero.

5) Ensure your guests leave quietly and promptly. Guests should be discouraged from leaning up against their vehicles, loudly debating who was the “biggest mole.” And under no circumstances should guests be allowed to dry-hump each other on the bonnet of any vehicle parked in my driveway.

Print this and stick it in next door’s letter box at once.

-Terri Psiakis