The Bog and the Beautiful

Terri Psiakis proves once and for all that she has far too much time – and paper – on her hands.

There’s a lot to worry about in the world: global warming, homelessness, famine, war. When you’re a born worrier like me, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the big issues. Which is why I like to go against popular theory and really sweat the small stuff. Currently, I’m beside myself about toilet paper.

Yes, toilet paper. Otherwise known as bog rolls, loo tissue and for the more judgmental amongst us, Arts degrees. (Note: I don’t agree with the idea that Arts degrees are nothing more than toilet paper. Mainly because I have an Arts degree. And a Master of Arts, and not only were they far more expensive than toilet paper but look where they’ve got me – published. Although on the downside, I’m being published writing about toilet paper…)

I want to be benevolent when it comes to bog rolls. I want to buy the unbleached, environmentally-friendly stuff made from recycled paper (provided it’s not made from recycled toilet paper.) But I have two concerns: performance and image.

I’m tired of environmentally-friendly loo tissue that performs well under par. You know what I mean: the stuff that disintegrates during use to the point where it turns your most intimate areas into some sort of pulp mill. I’m already worrying about whether my bog rolls are environmentally sound – I don’t want to have to start wondering about my undercarriage as well.

And I know I shouldn’t care what other people think but I worry about the image my toilet paper projects. Blame those TV ads that suggest people judge each other by their toilets. I know I’m using environmentally-friendly paper because I care about the earth. But someone else might think I’m just cheap.

I can’t believe I’m volunteering this information but my loo tissue worries have lead to me keeping two kinds of paper in the bathroom cupboard: environmentally-friendly and designer. And when I say designer I mean the thickest, softest, most expensive and delicately fragranced product on the market. The environmentally-friendly paper is for everyday use and the designer paper is for when my in-laws visit. Yes, I have ‘good’ toilet paper. Help me.

The toilet paper aisle in the supermarket causes me mild headaches but that’s the cross this born worrier has to bear. Although I think my worrying is getting out of hand. Yesterday I fantasized about appearing on a TV show and having the end credits state “When in Sydney, Terri Psiakis chooses to wipe with 4-ply.”

-Terri Psiakis