The Joy Of Thumbs

Terri Psiakis revels in the fruits of her beloved local paper.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I have the best local paper in the world. And sure, that's one hell of a lonely limb. There aren't many people reviewing local papers with the same level of enthusiasm as me. In fact, there aren't many people reviewing local papers. So it's pretty much just me, all alone on the limb, wondering where my life has gone as I peruse the pages of the Diamond Valley Leader.

The Diamond Valley Leader reports the news of Diamond Valley in Victoria. Diamond Valley is called Diamond Valley because Diamond Creek runs through it. Diamond Creek is called Diamond Creek despite the fact that it contains no diamonds. Trust me. I've checked.

The fact that the Diamond Valley Leader is essentially built upon a lie is not the reason I wait patiently by my letter box for its arrival every Wednesday at approximately 2pm. I love it because it contains a column called Thumbs. This column provides the community with a forum where they can write in and rate each other’s behaviour. Positive deeds are represented by a small graphic showing a raised thumb and thumb pointing downwards is printed for negative deeds.

The concept is not unique – I've seen it in other local papers. What I love about the Diamond Valley Leader is that its Thumbs column occasionally rates the behaviour of lunatics. For example:

Thumbs down to the man with the walking stick who enters our properties to butcher our plants with his stick. You are not invited and you are vandalizing our properties. Stop now. – Proud Property Owner, Briar Hill.

So many questions. Who is this man? Why does he carry such plant-based rage? Has no-one the courage to halt a man mid-butcher instead of letting him carry on and then writing about him to the paper? But we must move on:

Thumbs up to the lady who stopped at our front gate and warned us that our chimney was on fire. – Extremely Grateful, Panton Hill.

The mind boggles. How does a chimney catch fire? Was this the work of the man with the stick? What is it with people who live in the hills? However, my favourite:

Thumbs down to the low-life who vomited on my brand new black coat while I was shopping at Greensborough Plaza and didn’t have the courage to tell me. I hosed it down, washed it with disinfectant and still couldn’t get the smell out. I’m so angry. – Joy, Eltham North.

This actually happened. Ironically, it happened to someone named Joy. But it gets better because exactly one week after this appeared my wait at the letter box was rewarded with:

Thumbs up to the Eltham drycleaners for not charging me to get the smell out of my new black coat after a low-life vomited on it and didn't even tell me. – Joy, Eltham North.

Oh, Joy. Oh, Thumbs. When I die, wrap me in the pages of the Diamond Valley Leader. In the meantime, leave me to my lonely limb.

- Terri Psiakis