The Return of Rambo

After all these years Nick Maxwell wonders, how does Sly do it?

With the release of the newest Rambo movie, simply titled Rambo, one presumes Sly and the gang are thanking their stars they called the first film First Blood. Since we’ve known the films as the Rambo movies for the last 25 years, it’s funny that the distant forth instalment should bare such an elementary title. One would have expected a more panicked, Hollywood explanatory title, with some modern twist. Rambo 3000 seems more on the money, or something convoluted like Rambo Part 4: First Blood Part 3. But somehow they’ve gotten away with plain old Rambo and it’s making a killing at the American box office. How does Sly do it? Well, as his prosecutors here in Australia know first hand it might have a something to do with steroids.

Let’s just take a minute to appreciate this fact: Sylvester Stallone is 62-years-old. He’s not in his fifties, he’s in his sixties. Not only is he juicing himself up on roids, illegally transporting them through Australia on his way to Burma to play John Rambo for four months in extreme heat; when he gets there he’s directing the film as well! Steroid use is the least weird part of that scenario. In fact, it would not seem possible to survive such a schedule if you weren’t being given a little help from doctor science’s muscle juice.

The law is far too rigid and unavailable to common sense. A good judge would have taken the context of who Sylvester Stallone is into account when confronted with a man packing a bunch of vials of human growth hormone. Hollywood action star; started out in porn; trademark speech impediment; famous for his physique; mother’s a loon; brother’s an 80’s score composer, still; trying to play Rambo again even though he’s now 62- and directing the whole thing. One would expect an encouraging judgment like, “Can someone please get this elderly gentleman a bag for his contraband. Keep goin’ Rock!” An understanding judge would see that these steroids are not only essential for this man’s livelihood, they’re probably the only thing keeping him alive.

But here’s the amazing thing. Even after all the hullabaloo here in Australia, Sly still got out of here, made it to Burma, directed and starred in the film and has now got it turning tricks in movie houses. Presumably the old pump-up drugs aren’t too hard to find on the back streets of Burma because in Rambo, Sly is once again looking ripped. For all of Sly’s faults, of which there are many (namely Demolition Man, The Party and Kitty and Stud’s and Rocky Balboa) to pull off violent, ripped, machine-gun toting and over 60- you’ve got to give him a pardon for that.

- Nick Maxwell