Quince snatches Guy Ritchie

He’s been called England’s answer to Quentin Tarantino. But even tough guy director Guy Ritchie needed a shoulder to cry on while adjusting to his very public divorce with Madonna. We met at his local pub for a pint and a chat.

DEVON QUINCE: Guy Ritchie, thank you for being here at what must be a very difficult time for you.

GUY RITCHIE: Yeah, well don’t think I’m gonna sit here and talk about my feelings with you. The topic of my divorce is off limits, understand? If you mention my old lady I’m gonna give you the old Chelsea Smile and leave.

DQ: Well, what can we discuss then?

GR: My new movie.

DQ: Oh. You have a new movie?

GR: It’s probably going straight to video but yeah, I have a new movie.

DQ: What’s it called?

GR: It’s a gangster flick, lots of guns and double crosses, larger than life characters and ridiculous dialogue, nonsensical plot twists, unnecessary slow motion sequences, hip music and pop culture references.

DQ: It sounds great. So do any of the gangsters get divorced in your movie? Any storylines where one of the gangsters is married to a pop icon and she gets fed up and divorces him?

GR: No.

DQ: But if that was part of the film - how would that play out? How do you think that gangster might feel?

GR: I think he’d feel like smashing a pool cue over your head mate, how about that?

DQ: How about what?

GR: How about you get your questions straight? Ask me about the movie.

DQ: OK. Except I don’t really know anything about the movie...

[DEVON takes a moment to think.]

DQ: OK, Guy Ritchie. Here’s a question. It’s a two-part question about your new movie. Here goes: does your new movie feature any INFIDELITY? Is that a theme in the film? Cheating spouses. And the second part of my question is: do you draw stories from your own life when writing your screenplays?

GR: Do I look like an idiot to you?

DQ: What?

GR: You’re asking me if there was any infidelity in my marriage.

DQ: Am I? Well... was there?

GR: You can’t help yourself, can you?

DQ: No, I can’t. I see a celebrity and I’m like a dog with a Frisbee. It’s a sickness.

GR: Yeah, well I’ve got the cure for your sickness mate. [VINNIE JONES enters the pub and drags a screaming DEVON QUINCE out the back door of the pub.]

GR: [to VINNIE JONES] When you’re finished with him, just throw him out in the alley and tell the cops he got hit by a car.

Devon Quince has thus far been unable to discuss the details of his interview with Guy Ritchie and his subsequent interview with Vinnie Jones, as his jaw has been wired shut.