Crime on a horse, of course

Police in Sydney’s west are on the hunt for a man who rode into a service station on horseback and then rode off, refusing to pay for the $40 worth of flowers that his horse ate while he was inside making purchases. The service station attendant confronted the rider - who appeared drunk - and attempted to make a citizen’s arrest, but the rider got back on his horse and rode off, presumably into the sunset.

I don’t want to advocate any kind of criminal act, especially one where an amoral horse exerts a corrupting influence on an impressionable drunk, and coerces him into a life of flower-based crime, but huzzah for the world taking a more whimsical turn in this age of terrorism, murder and drunken rugby league players.

Crime on horseback, what a notion to return! With the world hurtling towards a dystopian technological nightmare, how brilliant it would be if the criminal fraternity decided to take a stand against the relentless march of progress and tried to return old-fashioned values and techniques to the realm of illegal activity.

Surely judges should offer reduced sentences to criminals who operate on horseback, bucking the trend of fast getaways in inconspicuous cars by parading themselves away from the scene of a crime at a gay canter, waving their hat with a flourish in reckless abandon. “What a cad!” “Such a bounder!” people would exclaim in their descriptions to the officer on duty.

I’m sure there are wowsers and prudes out there who are going to disagree with my radical point of view, but crime is a fact of life; it’s something that humanity will never be able to eradicate, so we may as well make it as entertaining as possible. I know that a drunk on a horse that ate $40 worth of flowers doesn’t exactly reek of the daring and romance that crime on horseback could offer, but it’s at least a start. Apart from anything else it’s a nice change to have a trend started by someone who’s not a heroin-addled musician or a knob who used to play a bit of soccer.

- Kent Valentine