One fish, two fish, red fish, ouch fish

If you’re feeling a little under the weather at the moment, relax – things could be worse. You could have a 2cm fish in your penis. Hey – it happened to a 14-year-old boy in India. Although the circumstances surrounding the bizarre medical condition tend to suggest it didn’t happen by accident.

I may be judging harshly so let’s see what you think: according to the boy, the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium. And no, that’s not a euphemism.

That’s the short story. The extended version is that while the boy was cleaning his fish tank, he had the urge to go the toilet. So ignoring the fact that he still had a fish in his hand, he went wee-wee. At that point he reckons the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra. Congratulations if you’ve made it to this point – I had to remove myself from the room after reading about how he took the fish to the toilet in the first place.

Why would you take a fish to the toilet? And why would you take it in your hand? My understanding is that fish need to be in water. Unless the kid remembered this mid-wee and thought: “Fish live in water… hang on, there’s water coming out of my pee-pee… I’ll save you, Fishy!”

That’s right, I’m not buying the fish “slipping” from his hand. Fish might be slippery, but I’m dead certain they’d need to be strenuously encouraged in order to enter the eye of a man’s todger. No, really.

Clearly, this is a made-up story. Not in the sense that it didn’t happen: it did. But I reckon the boy’s account of how it happened is complete crap. It all sounds a little bit “But doctor, I simply fell on this carrot while gardening” to me.

Anyway, after having the fish removed by a couple of medical professionals who later wrote a paper on the case (presumably under the title “Cop This!”) the boy was later admitted to counseling to help him overcome any trauma. And regardless of whether or not he was actually responsible for what happened, I’m tipping there’s plenty of trauma involved. Especially whenever he hears any mention of the movie Finding Nemo.