Sluggish start to spring

Now that spring has well and truly sprung, next time you’re out in the garden you might like to try and take on nine-year-old British schoolgirl Tiana Walton. Tiana currently holds the Guinness World Record for having the most snails on her face at once. And may I just point out that this is actually a record, and not just some unfortunate condition Tiana was born with.

In an act of what I can only assume was sheer boredom, Tiana allowed 25 snails to cover her eyes, nose and mouth. Under Guinness World Record rules she had a minute to put them all on her face and then had to tip her head forward for ten seconds, with only the snails that remained stuck to her face being counted. All 25 snails stayed on and thereby enabled Tiana to beat the previous record of 15, held by Australian Liam Kenny.

Now, I’m glad these two crazy kids wrote themselves into the record books but it doesn’t change my opinion that they’re both idiots. I mean, who intentionally covers their face in snails? Isn’t that the sort of thing people have LSD flashbacks about?

And exactly how does Tiana think her achievement will help her along in life? I doubt it’s going to win her any friends at school:

“What did you do on the weekend, Tiana?”
“I let 25 snails crawl all over my face, including my mouth.”
“Right. You are so not coming to my birthday party.”

I’m actually quite concerned for Tiana. In an interview she described the sensation of having 25 snails on her face as “relaxing”. The child is nine years old. If she wants to relax, she should just watch Hannah Montana while sitting on the couch and eating a banana, like a normal kid.

In any case, it appears that record-breaking now runs in Tiana’s family. Apparently her mum once held the Guinness World Record for growing the world’s largest lemon. So Tiana’s got snails on her face and her mum’s got huge lemons. Just wait ‘til Bill Henson and Hugh Hefner hear about this.