Yes, Ma'am, we have no bananas

Customs officials would have the best dinner party stories ever, I reckon. Why do I reckon? Because they recently caught a woman trying to smuggle three banana plants into the country in her underwear.

The 56-year-old woman was originally from Czechoslovakia but arrived in Sydney via Samoa, where it’s believed she obtained the banana plants. And I really hope that belief is true, because Samoa to Sydney is about five or six hours. Czechoslovakia to Sydney is a hell of a lot longer and I’d hate to think she had the banana plants in her undies for that long. Forget having a green thumb – she would have changed the colour of a very different body part.

Now I don’t mean to be ageist but I would have thought 56 was a bit old to be hiding things down your pants. It’s one thing to do it when you’re five and trying steal a cookie but 56 is probably pushing it. And why down the pants? If you’re trying to smuggle bananas into the country surely you’d just wear them on your head with a bunch of other fruits and show a forged passport claiming you’re Carmen Miranda.

Good on our customs officials, though. Apparently they immediately suspected the woman was concealing something, mainly due to the fact that she had seven monkeys trailing after her. Although they might have busted her with that new X-ray scanner, in which case it’s possible there was confusion as to whether her pants contained banana plants or just a very unkempt bikini-line.

After finding the plants, customs officials immediately seized them – hopefully while wearing gloves. Foreign banana plants are actually a big threat to our banana industry. Not only do they come over here and take our jobs, but they can also contain a disease known as fusarium wilt. Although I seem to recall dating a guy who had a similar thing.

In any case, part of me wants to applaud this woman because you know the worst thing about smuggling banana plants overseas in your undies? When they start fruiting in the middle of your flight. Now there’s a banana smoothie I definitely don’t want.